Real Advice For Real People

Judgement or Evaluation- The Mindset of Healthy Boundaries

Note from Scott:  “The concepts of this article could easily be applied to any relationship: romantic (dating, engaged, or married), friendship, or business. Take care and I hope you find this article helpful on your journey!”

As a relationship expert, my clients will often lean on me for dating advice.

And when I’m coaching singles who are navigating the unpredictable currents of the dating pool, a comment often arises- one that speaks volumes about where singles are at and their hopes of finding true love….

“But I don’t want to judge them”

Hmmmm, let’s think about that one for a moment.

But before we go any deeper, I’d like to offer a definition of judgement.  And, just to be clear, this is my own definition, and since I’m human, it won’t be perfect- so please don’t judge me.

When I judge another human being, I am in essence saying “I would have done (or said) this or that, and surely not have done what you did (or didn’t do)”.


“I would’ve made a much better decision than you, because I’m smarter (or better, or whatever ego-inflating adjective you’d like to insert) than you.

You see, this type of judgement has its foundation in the ego.  And it’s that very basis of ego-driven judgement (of which all judgement is) that seeks to put the judger atop the judgee.

I’m good- you’re bad.  I win- you lose.

Stretch, Grow, Become!

So, when my clients don’t want to judge their dates behavior because it makes them feel unloving or unspiritual, well, I have something to say about that.

It’s called evaluation.

You see, when I evaluate a certain person, situation, or circumstance, I’m coming from a place of self-love, self-preservation, and sometimes self-protection.

Let’s face it, finding true love is the goal, and that’s not always easy.  What’s more, some people don’t know when to leave a relationship, and this technique of evaluation helps tremendously.

In my mind, it sounds something like this:

“I’ve observed your behavior, and I’ve seen certain patterns repeat themselves.  I would love for things to be different, but they aren’t.  And I lovingly know you’re doing your best with what you’ve got right now, just like me”.

“But the truth is our “bests” don’t match up.  And so, I have evaluated the relationship (and my own needs) and will be limiting my exposure to this relationship in the future”.

We’re both OK.  No harm- no foul.  We’re just not a good fit.

Do you see the difference?  Judgement is all about me being right and you being wrong.  I judge you- and punish you- in the desperate and delusional hope that you’ll change.

That never works.

With evaluation and boundaries, we simply assess the totality of all the moving parts, make requests, and then re-check the new results.

If there are no new results, we have a choice to make:  stay in the situation (business or personal relationship) and remain unfulfilled, or get deeply honest with ourselves and move away from something that’s not working, and then create space for something that could.

And So, Is It Really Judgement?

The next time the voice in your head is trying to make you feel guilty for being “judgemental”, ask yourself, “Is this judgement, or am I simply being honest about what I want and need”.

Truth is, healthy evaluation is a sincere form of self love, and one that I would encourage you to practice often.

Think back to a time when you should’ve evaluated something and set boundaries, but didn’t.  I’m sure you walked away with a powerful life lesson!  Let’s hear about it!  Share your experience in the comments section below…

Change isn’t easy. If it was, we’d all have perfect boundaries and never get hurt. Having a coach who takes people from where they are to where they want to be makes all the difference.

Copyright © 2012- 2019  Scott Milnes   All Rights Reserved

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