A while back, I was having a deep conversation with a good friend of mine. She’s a very smart woman who, in addition to many other talents, is pursuing a Ph.D in psychology.
As we sat down to reconnect, she went on and on about this guy she was dating. Or more accurately, was trying to date.
In short order, it was crystal clear to me that something was way off. So, as she continued her extensive and exhausting dissection of what was going wrong, I looked for an opening. When she began to draw another breath of air, I took advantage and interrupted.
I said: “This is simple—it sounds like he’s not prepared to date you”.
Silence. There was silence. You could hear a pin drop.
Somehow, the truth of my words resonated and we embarked on a completely different conversation—what is preparedness, and how does one “get prepared”?
Hey, let's go fly an airplane!
I can assure you that if I were to somehow get into an airplane, start the engine, and maybe even get it moving down the runway, I will surely crash the airplane.
I have absolutely no training—I would not be prepared! I have never taken a class, attended a workshop, or read a book pertaining how to pilot an airplane—so the results would be fairly predictable: crashed airplane.
The same holds true for relationships.
People often get into a new relationship with high hopes, but little if any true preparation to ensure a successful outcome.
Well, they’ve never taken a class, attended a workshop, worked with a coach, or really studied what it takes to pull off a healthy, growing relationship. And so it remains a dream, just out of reach.
Stretch, Grow, become
Do the work and truly get to know yourself. In my seminars, I discuss the three relationships we get horribly out of order- our relationship with God, ourselves, and others.
The typical scenario I see is people desperately trying to develop relationships with others without the critical ingredient of knowing God or knowing themselves. There’s no foundation.
Even if you don’t believe in God, it’s hard to deny the logic of really knowing yourself before trying to invest in others.
What is the work, you ask? First things first, stay single for awhile.
Embrace a Season of Singlehood and see what happens- allow yourself to develop. There’s way too much to include in this article, and of course you can contact me for a complimentary consultation, but for starters I would suggest the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
It’s a life-changing book for anybody, at any age!
In reality, the guy my friend was trying to date was probably a “good guy.” But it takes a lot more than that to develop a loving, respectful, and safe relationship. It’s an equipping process, and that simply takes time. I promise you that if you do the work, you’ll be able to tell who is prepared—and that, my friend, will save you a lot of heartache!
Truth is, there will always be people “out there” who have never taken the time to get to know themselves or develop relationship-building skills. You have no control over that. What you can control is your own development, and have discretion on who you choose to partner with in the future so that you both are ensured plenty of love and happiness in your lives together.
So, what about you? Do you have a story about trying to get what you want from someone incapable of giving it? I bet you do. Take a moment and share your experience with us. The tribe awaits….
Change isn’t easy. If it was, everyone would be living the dream. Having a coach who takes people from where they are to where they want to be makes all the difference. Call me today to learn more.